Browse Professor Quotes
Only if you’re really nice to me will I tell you about the opening and closing of the labia.
—Deborah Gewertz, Gender
You like chocolate, you like beer… you like lace? They got ‘em all!
—Professor Delaney: Race, Place, and the Law: Discussing Belgium
Comparing Locke and Hobbes’ intelligence is like comparing who’s got a Swiss watch in their brain, and who has some sort of shitty Indian watch.
—Professor Mehta- Modern Classics in Political Philosophy
Philosophers don't actually have any skills...we just know how to think very very slowly.
—Professor Shah, Philosophy 11
whatever it's called... the big bunny egg retrieval.
—Professor Douglas, trying to remember the word for Easter
Martyrdom is never fun.
—Professor Robert Doran
—Professor Robert Doran
“Where fascists and hippies meet you've got Hume. You've got unicorns and flying saucers and hippie-dippie-dom-- but no sex.”
—Professor Sitze, on Hume
You'll see a lot of heads being cut off; we all know the reasons behind that.
...this comment would be pretty funny taken out of context.
—Monica Ringer, History 94: Middle Eastern Court Culture
"Asteriods are drunk teenagers behind the wheel."
—Professor George Greenstein, describing the dangers of asteroids
If I had to trade an economics lecture for a haircut, I'd end up cutting my own hair.
—Prof. Honig, explaining why we don't have barter economies
What if "war" was getting the first-ladies of two countries together and having a bake-off?!
—Professor Delaney, Law and the American War in Vietnam, trying to explain that war could be a cultural invention
Would anyone like half of a decapod crustacean?
—Whitey Hagadorn, serving seafood at his end-of-semester Paleontology party
You better check yourself before you wreck yourself!
—Professor Moss, discussing the purpose of our proposal
So me and this girl were on the bus and she wanted to...you know.. so... Oh gosh why am I telling you this? Don't tell my wife!
—Professor Sofield, Eng 01, in the middle of discussing a poem
You picked the wrong time to be bare.
—Professor Woglom, remarking on a student's newly-shaven head on a particularly cold day
Say something conservative.
—Lawrence Douglas to a student, in a valiant attempt to generate class discussion
Apes are our closest relatives...unless you've had biology in Kansas.
—Catherine Sanderson, on apes and their acquisition of language
I'm going to have sex, unprotected sex, and chocolate.
—Catherine Sanderson, on how women would rank the embarrasment of buying condoms, pregnancy tests, and Snickers in front of a man
Even I can say "knockers" without thinking of them as breasts. Get over it!
—Tekla Harms discussing melange zones in Geo 40: Tectonics
"I told him not to do it! I can't believe he ate the whole jar" Discussing how Bill at the whole peanute butter jar in class after being made fun of for his peanut allergy.
—Prof. Williamson
i love the daily jolt
—prof smith
This is a bird hospital. By the way, if you're a raptor, you're out. No meat-eating birds. If you're a chicken, you're in.
—Professor Babb: Anthro 12 Intro to Social Anthropology
The best thing you could do with the penis if you were a sculptor would be to make it regular, neat, and... less.
—Professor Bosman, Renaissance Marvels
Usually they're stoned to death. California's different.
—Professor Zimmerman, Biology 14, discussing what happens to women who commit adultery
I'm in a fiesty mood today. What the hell, it's the end of the semester. I have tenure. I can say anything I want.
—Professor Rosbottom, Napoleon, about to suggest and expand on the differnce between "Great Man" theory and "Great Asshole" theory.
I've never polished the ice when looking for fish before... Actually, I rarely even fish. I just take shots of vodka.
—Professor Loinaz, Physics 24, discussing the optics of ice fishing
To put it frankly, Amherst students who haven't participated in athletics during their time here are...well...jealous.
—President Tony Marx, Senior Athletes Banquet speech (bet you wouldn't find him saying that anywhere else).
Paleomagnetism is potentially paleobullshit.
—Peter Crowley, Geo 41: Geophysics
I mean, if a walrus sat on MY baby I'd run over and say 'Look, he or she walrus'... I'd say that because I can't tell the difference between male and female walruses.
—Professor Parham, ENGL 13 - Girlpower: on how super mother powers would take over if a walrus sat on your baby.
This particular drawing shows a woman leaping into a man and having sex while standing up, athletes take note.
—Professor Courtwright, FIAR 51: Art of Renaissance Italy
I'm not comparing Bush to Hitler... Hitler was more charismatic.
—Professor Goheen, Anthro 26: African Cultures and Societies
Yeah, Black men are going to marry our daughters, but it's not like they're going to, you know... fuck them really hard or anything.
—Prof. Manu Mukasa, THDA 27: The Changing Images of Blacks In Film, on the image of desexualized black males in American film, through the white male point of view.
At their 10th anniversary, the couple swings out onto the dance floor to that timeless tune 'Yo Bitch, Sit on this!' and someone comments, 'They sure don't write 'em like they used to.'
—Prof. Arkes, Poly Sci
For instance, all Tuesdays are good days to exterminate blonde people. But not all good days to exterminate blonde people are Tuesdays.
—Prof. George, Philosophy 20: Paradoxes
Leda must have some sense that when you're raped by a swan... I mean... something kind of special is going on.
—Professor Sofield, English 21: Writing Poetry, on William Butler Yeats' "Leda and the Swan"
The proof is more natural. Why? I naturally came up with it myself.
—Professor Beanland, Mathematics 28: Introduction to Analysis, explaining why he chose to prove a theorem in a certain way.
I am a klepto!
—Mallorie Chernin, Choral Director
I'd heard of 'Emo.' I'd heard the word, but I thought it was a cleanser or something.
—Professor Sofield, English 21: Writing Poetry.
Just to make it clear: It's not fun because they are fat, it's fun because they get hurt.
—Professor Loinaz, Physics 24, discussing pushing fat people out of swings and over the bar.
Rats don't have a small enough bill to roll up cocaine.
—Professor Baird, Biopsych, on animal models of reward
All of my childhood memories are related to one thing: pooping in my pants. It's amazing my parents let me live.
—Professor Schulkind, Memory
Because I don't like to give myself special dispensations, I will amend the rule: If anyone has a partner who is expecting a child any day now, you may bring a cell phone to class. And to make this an equal-opportunity amendment: If any of YOU is expecting a baby, you may also bring a cell phone to class.
—Professor Andrew Dole in The Problem of Evil, on gender-neutral exceptions to the no cell phone rule.
The hippocampus is like E-harmony. Once the match is made, you no longer pay dues. And keep a separate bank account when you do get married - that way you can keep your E-Harmony account.
—Professor Schulkind, Memory
I don't want to beat a dead horse here... but it's not that often that I find a dead horse. And when I do, I like to beat it.
—Professor William "Horse Beater" Loinaz
You can be an amoeba and experience envy.
—Professor Townsend, Moral Essay
People who like classical music but don't actually love it, old people, for example, don't like pieces like this because they like to sleep while they listen.
—Professor Beaudoin, Music 32, referring to Beethoven's Waldstein Piano Sonata.
You can really cruise through them, pardon the pun.
—Profess Chickering: English Grammar; discussing Gay Slang Dictionaries
If you want a Nobel Prize, create a 2-headed monster. You'll get a lot of attention.
—Professor Poccia, Developmental Biology, talking about two-headed tadpoles.
I prefer 'make love'; I've always hated the term 'have sex'. To me, it sounds like 'have an omelette!'
—Natasha Staller, FIAR-85: Witch/Vampire/Monster
I wish I could speak this fucking language.
—Professor Maraniss, Cervantes, referring to Spanish
What? In my day we just smoked banana peels!
—Professor Raskin, Psych 60: Developmental Psychobiology
I like my science hard!
—Professor Smith: Nietzsche Seminar, on psychology and philosophy of action.
Actually, I was so desperate once, I listened to Enya.
—Professor Schulkind, Music Cognition.
Let's say the Democrats will win the presidential erec... election.
—Prof. George, PHIL 20: Democrats make him happy.
The whole schmear is comin' home to roost.
—Professor Dumm, Contemporary Political Theory, on the distinction between liberalism and democracy in parlimentarian governments.
Most children will either cuddle them or beat the shit out of them.
—Professor Zimmerman, Biology 14: talking about how children under 12 don't care what teddy bears look like
Come on Chris Sanborn, wake up! I'm even losing my colleagues!
—Professor O'Hara, in a Chem-11 lecture.
I'm just a doctor working in a hospital. I don't want to have sex with my patients. I just want to be friends with them!
—Professor Arkes, Poly Sci 23: Political Obligations, responding to a student's thoughts on the implications of doctors being able to refuse to perform abortions.
For those of you who don't believe in natural law, what do you believe in? ...The Anti-Christ?
—Professor Douglas, LJST 03: Legal Institutions & Democratic Practices
So, men, if you get married know one thing: indifference. If your wife cheats on you, don't kill her, be indifferent. Go home tonight and write in your diary, 'Dear Diary, Cultivate indifference.'
—Professor Sarat. LJST: Murder.
A minimal definition of democracy allows you to separate the pregnant from the nonpregnant.
—Professor Corrales, Political Economy of Development
I like to whip myself.
—Professor Arkes, POSC-12-01, Political Obligations
In general Amherst students are very respectful of professors... Unless they write for the Amherst student. Then they are a little bit crazy.
—Professor Corrales, referring to an article recently published in the Amherst Student
This is college, not university, so let me give you an example.
—Prof Starr, Math 28, after giving an abstract definition of "open cover"
You are very quiet today. Usually you are a pain in the nut-sack.
—Professor Machala, Political Science 38/History 50: American Diplomacy II
After that, every significant poet found himself writing sonnets. Sidney, Spenser, Shakespeare, Donne, Milton... That's quite a lineup, isn't it? They could be a basketball team. Sidney could be point guard.
—Professor Sofield, English 21: Writing Poetry
When talking to women, all you need to say are these magic words, 'I know exactly what you mean'.
—Professor Smith, Philosophy 41: Nietzsche.
He gets a penis implant and for the rest of the movie he runs around raping all these women claiming that 'It's not me! It's my penis!'
—Professor Parham, Reading Pop. Culture, on ridiculous plotlines of sexploitation movies
Your story is like... when you're sitting at a bar, and there's a drunk sitting next to you and he keeps lying to you so that you'll buy him another drink.
—Professor Chee, Fiction Writing II
We could call this class History of the European Penis.
—Professor Rosbottom, European Studies 14: Napoleon's Legends
Let's focus on the important question here. Why is Kevin Bacon naked?
—Professor Parham; Reading Pop. Culture; commenting on the nakedness of Kevin Bacon in 'Wild Things'
There could be no greater entertainment on this campus, especially if you can get Professor Marshall to show you his animation of the precession of an angular momentum vector about a non-intertial reference frame.
—Professor O'Hara, Biochemistry, in an email to the class
Sparkling burgundy, it's very phallic. Just pop the cork... PSCHEW!
—Professor von Schmidt, Film and Writing
But we can't run around the world saying 'Here we come, the big paradox!'.
—Professor Levin, FYSE-09: National Identity, talking about the complicated and elusive nature of American national identity
Only science and religion have that kind of power. And Madonna. And Jessica Simpson. Actually, Jessica Simpson's not that bad, but I don't know about Madonna.
—Professor Servos, History 67: History of Science.
You know how they have dorm damage? Maybe they also can assess the class a $100 fine for classroom damage. Between that and the unlicensed keg...
—Professor Cox, MATH 24 - The Theory of Numbers after Chris Parkinson and Karti Subramanian broke a window.
That's right. Jesus was a copycat.
—Professor Foels: PSYC 11, Intro to Psychology
In this course, we will consider all cows to be spherical.
—Professor Jagannathan, Physics 16
0, on a scale of 1-5, is really low.
—Professor Poccia, commenting on the Biology 29 lab grading system.
The purpose of mathematics is to make the obvious less so.
—Professor Armacost, Calculus 1
It should be hard and scary! I want some five year old to start crying in the front row.
—Mallorie Chernin to the Choral Society, on Mozart's Requiem
Dick Cheney is a dictator who was born in the wrong country, so he shoots his friend in the face.
—Professor O'Connell, English 10
It took Newton twenty years to solve this problem. We'll do it in a week.
—Professor Hilborn on uniform charge distribution in Physics 24
I'm both dazzled by the imagination that can put these words together and unsure of what the hell is going on.
—Professor Sofield, commenting on a student's poem in Poetry Writing I
Smells like there's a giant butter monster outside the window!
—Professor Sayres Rudy, Political Science 16: Political Islam, At the smell of popcorn invading the 8:30am class
It is hard to imagine one's own mother doing it as I have found. I'm sure your mother and my mother still did long after you and I were conceived and are probably still doing it today.
—Professor Sofield, on Hamlet's Oedipal complex, Shakespeare
You want kinky? I'll give you kinky!
—Professor Bezucha, History 32: French Revolution, relating an anecdote about those crazy revolutionaries and their fountains shaped liked breasts
I came to this country because I wanted to be the citizen of an empire. I love empires.
—Professor Machala, Colloquium 19: American Diplomacy in the Middle East
...the series converges. Hum-ho, or if you prefer, ho-hum.
—Professor Starr, Math 12
I know we're talking about sex here, everybody. It's very funny.
—Professor Sitze, to giggling class
I hate the phrase 'have sex'. It's like 'have an omelet!'
—Natasha Staller, Fine Arts 85: Witches, Vampires, and Monsters
That's right. Jesus was a copycat.
—Professor Foels: PSYC 11 Intro to Psychology
They grow some killer dope... I'm serious!
—–-Prof. Goheen: Anthro 11, on native African groups
I don't remember ever being called a thankless child. Maybe it was my mother. I'm repressing this.
—Professor Pritchard, English 1: Novels, Plays, and Poems
Are you having a Tony Marx problem?
—Professor Sarat, Social Organization of Law (LJST-01)
You can imagine the Earth is almost a sphere, plus these love-handles over here.
—Professor Freidman, Physics 43:Dynamics, explaining the precession of the equinoxes.
One of you will get to act out Cornelia, who is THE best... Except for my wife, Lisa...
—Professor Sofield, English 35: Shakespeare
Your generation's different. You guys are exploring new territory in blackout drunkenness.
—Distinguished Visiting Assistant Professor TP Smith, Intro to Philosophy
Is Justin Timberlake science fiction?
—Professor Andrew Parker, Science Fiction, after someone had related Justin Timberlake to something in the reading